http://del.icio.us/love_detective/depression
That you've found this site at all tells me you have begun to research ways and means of recovering from / living with mental illness.
My particular place in this disease is chronic depression as a result of childhood sexual abuse.
This is the first time I've attempted to list of all the ways in which the abuse and my reaction to it has impacted my life.
With as much honesty as I can muster, my long-term symptoms include:
- long periods of isolation
- long periods of not eating
- periodic suicidal ideation
- self-harm - I pick the skin around my fingernails until it bleeds. When I was but a wee girl, I used to wash between my legs with a stiff brush until I bled.
- inability to form long-lasting, intimate relationships
- sexual acting out
- agoraphobia
- alcoholism
- I hate my body
- I am an artist
- trust is difficult if not impossible
- control freak
- sex is sooooooooo complicated
- rage
- numbness
- withdrawal
- extreme introvert
I've always been a kind of 'wild thing' - preferring life in the woods to a house or apartment. Even now, I am an urban camper.
I'm comfortable for months at a time with no human contact. What - exactly - is wrong with that.
Folks know I love them. I leave them no doubt.
The job I've settled on fits well with my mercurial personality. Very busy to very still. A collection of perfect extremes.
I work on film and television sets and get the production sound.
One month, I'm ass-to-toenails with a hundred other folks in very cramped spaces.
The next, I'm alone, making art.
Suits me just fine.
The creeping agoraphobia is ameliorated by taking road trips and making media.
I'm very happy with my life as I practice being a better daughter, sister, friend.
I learn to eat well.
This documentary is one of the most difficult things I've ever done.
More difficult even than the thing itself.
But this thing - this documentary - at the end of the day - brings me joy. That's the difference.
Tags: Self-Help Art Depression
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