WLOLL :: New Media & Documentary Film Making :: Utterz & Seesmic

[source]
[Rough cut]

Tags: Self-Help Art Depression

Dissociative Identity Disorder :: DID :: Multiple Personality

As part of the research for the WLOLL documentary, found this video up @ YouTube that seems to explain it in true words.

Here's a link to Oxnam's book, "A Fractured Mind" @ Amazon.com:

Tags: Self-Help Art Depression

"Human Land Mine" :: Sunstroke :: Nathaniel's, Greensburg, PA

.:. Winner .:.

That's my old pal, business partner, & collaborator Phil Platten on bass and vox.

A delight to revisit our collaborative work. We were called "Sunstroke" after a contest to name the band brought forth a few barely mentionable names. Gosh, something like "....Beaver Twins". Does anyone recall the third-place entry?

Would not have broached the material but for the fact that Phil moved on a year ago this month. And but for the fact that another bass player with whom I had a band also took flight.

[I could not bring myself to say that Phil and Dick expired the first or second draft of this post. Dare I say it now...but 'moving on' and 'taking flight' are two terms that seem correct for what happened to them.]

Dick Bungo: a consummate musician tho I don't remember him being in any of the bands, singing groups or orchestras in high school. Not much of a 'joiner' our Dick. Neither have I turned out to be.

This can only be considered a first draft of the video of the piece, for I will want it as part of the soundtrack for "The World's Longest Open Love Letter".

The lyrics remind me where was emotionally in December of 1980, when this was recorded. Can't yet quite get my mind around it but in the editing -- in the meditation that is editing -- am certain all will become quickly clear.

Miss my old friend, roommate and Nathaniel's owner Dave Clark. Where are ya, Dave?

The full performance from that night may be found HERE for download.

Formats available: Quicktime (.mov), Flash Video (.flv), MPEG-4 Video (.m4v)

Tags: music, phil platten, jan mclaughlin, sunstroke, greensburg, pennsylvania, pa, nathaniels, dave clark, wloll

The World's Longest Open Love Letter :: Showplayer

Getting all the short films gathered over the years into a coherent order.

It's making my brain explode.

Help!

Really need objective eyes and ears on this.


Tags: Self-Help Art Depression

Revisiting the Princess-at-Large & The World's Longest Open Love Letter

Reference is made to a 2004 blog post regarding performance / theater as behavior modification.

Not so very much has changed in the intervening years.

I remain confident that this film will be made.

Tags: Self-Help Art Depression

WLOLL Trailers

HERE.

Putting it all together as production sound mixer and film maker over at Faux Press TV.

Tags: Self-Help Art Depression

Feeders for Human Birds :: a page from The World's Longest Open Love Letter

.:. Survivor .:.

In preparation for the Faux Parade. With Cosmic Ray.

Part of a very long meditation on the nature of love.

One of the things I love about making art in the physical world (as opposed to the digital realm) is that is creates an 'open space' in my brain for listening to what my body and soul already know.

A wise friend once told me that, "You already know all the answers. Just listen."

Making art is an indirect way to open your ears.

It also helps me breathe.

G'head.

Make a drawing right now.

A 30-second self-portrait. Even if you just draw it in the air or sand.

Pay attention to your breath as you do this.

Cool.

Formats available: MPEG1 Video (.mpg), Flash Video (.flv)

Tags: faux_press, human birds, cosmic ray, wloll, worlds longest open love letter

My Story

http://del.icio.us/love_detective/depression

That you've found this site at all tells me you have begun to research ways and means of recovering from / living with mental illness.

My particular place in this disease is chronic depression as a result of childhood sexual abuse.

This is the first time I've attempted to list of all the ways in which the abuse and my reaction to it has impacted my life.

With as much honesty as I can muster, my long-term symptoms include:

• long periods of isolation
• long periods of not eating
• periodic suicidal ideation
• self-harm - I pick the skin around my fingernails until it bleeds. When I was but a wee girl, I used to wash between my legs with a stiff brush until I bled.
  
• inability to form long-lasting, intimate relationships
• sexual acting out
  
• agoraphobia
• alcoholism
• I hate my body
• I am an artist
• trust is difficult if not impossible
• control freak
• sex is sooooooooo complicated
• rage
• numbness
• withdrawal
• extreme introvert
  

Yeah.

I've always been a kind of 'wild thing' - preferring life in the woods to a house or apartment. Even now, I am an urban camper.

I'm comfortable for months at a time with no human contact. What - exactly - is wrong with that.

Folks know I love them. I leave them no doubt.

The job I've settled on fits well with my mercurial personality. Very busy to very still. A collection of perfect extremes.

I work on film and television sets and get the production sound.

One month, I'm ass-to-toenails with a hundred other folks in very cramped spaces.

The next, I'm alone, making art.

Suits me just fine.

The creeping agoraphobia is ameliorated by taking road trips and making media.

I'm very happy with my life as I practice being a better daughter, sister, friend.

I learn to eat well.

This documentary is one of the most difficult things I've ever done.

More difficult even than the thing itself.

But this thing - this documentary - at the end of the day - brings me joy. That's the difference.

Tags: Self-Help Art Depression

Documentary Media Ripples :: Response

New Seesmic pal Karen responded to THIS video posted to Seesmic via YouTube.



I respond to Karen as above.

I continue to learn how to listen.

In researching "The World's Longest Open Love Letter" documentary I've occasion to search YouTube for folks who speak to mental health issues. Watching these profound stories brought me way down. In the parlance of survivor circles, it's known as 'triggering'.

Rather than fight it, I allowed the spiral to unfold in its way, but with an attempt at keeping my extreme artists eyes, ears and heart open so as to be able to later relate the experience. It inevitably takes longer to process this information than I expect.

Input & consequence.

I've also had occasion to gather a month or two of feedback from colleagues to whom I 'came out' of the depression closet very early on in our social network relationships. Specifically, a 'control group' at Seesmic.

In the midst of the bottom of the spiral down, I posted this entry, a longer-term project illustrating my fascination and irritation with television and film writers for having their characters say, "Are you okay?" sometimes many times per episode.

When I posted it, one of my dear new Seesmic friends - Otir - wrote me comment expressing the hope that i was indeed "Okay."

Otir said...

I hope you're Okay. I know that you are going to be fine. But if you don't feel it, I want you to know that others feel it for you and trust you will. Love.

I loved the mashup. I am so impressed at all the creativity that is there. I am jealous. Yes I am. But I am going to be okay with it :-)

My feeling - having come out - is that anything I do in their eyes is first colored by the knowledge that one of my dearest, oldest - if least respected - friends is chronic depression. Is that a good thing? Maybe. Maybe the support helps rather than hurts. In the middle of the beast, it hurts.

Pain is a red flag indicative of something that requires conscious attention, and is in its own way, another old friend whom I know too well.

Yes. Otir's words of encouragement helped, thought it took some time to get to that place where I could let her loving spirit into my heart. At first, her kind words filled me with dread.

I'm unaccustomed to allowing a support system into the process. Unaccustomed to being 'seen' in this way.

In being seen, I feel vulnerable.

Invisibility was the OLD strategy; being SEEN, the new.

My biggest fear is that friendships and career will be ruined as a result of going public. My online research indicates others go public about craploads of mental health issues in droves. What I see is gutsy stuff. Full of courage, hope and technique.

It's my theory that healing and forgiveness require 'witness', one thing the Catholic Church got right. Posting videos about one's healing experiences admirably - if somewhat dangerously - fills that need.

The NY Times recently published an interesting tech article about a new social networking site - PatientsLikeMe - that crowdsources data, statistics, charts, medical metrics. For sure, the site bucks the MSM-promoted privacy-before-all-else-for-fear-of-identity-theft or death-by-pervert-stalker trend.

Here's what deputy editor of Wired magazine Thomas Goetz had to say on the subject of the social networking of mental health research:

As diseases go, A.L.S. or M.S. or Parkinson’s or even H.I.V. are relatively rare afflictions, at least in the United States. Mental illness, on the other hand, afflicts a vast swath of the country. Nearly 60 million Americans have a diagnosable mental disorder, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, a population that includes everything from depression to bipolar syndrome to anxiety. For PatientsLikeMe, that population represents a huge market, not to mention the potentially lucrative bounty of data related to antidepressants and other mood-disorder drugs. But it also presents a challenge.

Creating a PatientsLikeMe mental-health community — or as they call it, a “mood community” — requires a new strategy for measuring mental health. The challenge is in part semantic. Where the argot around A.L.S. or M.S. is largely clinical, the vernacular around mental health is more subjective. The official diagnostic criteria for major depression, for example, include “feelings of worthlessness” and “indecisiveness.” So PatientsLikeMe faces an input problem: how to convert the ambiguities of mental illness into metrics?

Whatever its ultimate worth, the site’s answer is elegantly straightforward. Members can update their mood status every hour on a scale of 1 to 4, from very bad to very good. How they feel may be subjective, but the resulting data can be mapped across time. The site treats sessions of therapy as if they were a dose of Prozac; the type of therapy (say, group or individual) stands as the treatment, and the length of a session (say, 50 minutes a week) as the dosage.

We live in interesting times.

Music is "Mother's Blues" from Jeff Kelley's Classic Acoustic Blues album - about whom I've written in this space before.

[NY Times article]

Tags: Self-Help Art Depression

Going Public :: WLOLL and Publishing :; a Story

http://depressionstrategies.blogspot.com/ - publishing The World's Longest Open Love Letter - Vol. 1, No. 2 was pink - a short story about Vol. 1, No. 2 - early media ripples - ephemeral artifacts - "publishing".

Begin to publish the address of this videoblog, make it public.

Ow.

Frightened of the implications.

Feeling alone in it.

Mobile post sent by Jan / The Faux Press using Utterz. Replies. mp3

Publishing the World's Longest Open Love Letter :: Part I

.:. Survivor .:.

"World's Longest Open Love Letter" publishing endeavors take unexpected turns.

More adventures in advertising.

Promises. Trust.

Posters / art.

Canvas, metal, string, plastic, paper, wood.

Art as meditation.

'Publishing' the pages was the excuse to get out of the house, and collaboration another way to reduce isolation while safely serving the creative impulse (eros).

Formats available: Quicktime (.mov), Flash Video (.flv), MPEG-4 Video (.m4v)

Tags: wloll, worlds longest open love letter, jan mclaughlin, art therapy, performance, publishing, alternatives, posters, advertising

Why Film Making? :: Anti-Isolation Device :: Motivation

Film making as anti-isolation device - weddings & weldings - parades - faux parade - hungry march band - brooklyn - get a hobby - when I lose heart - robert croma - dannypayne - media ripples - getting it out in music - vote of confidence - the cost of truth - painting on big canvases.

Mobile post sent by Jan / The Faux Press using Utterz. Replies. mp3

Love Makes Us Heroes

Love Makes Us Heroes
Originally uploaded by Jannie-Jan

On the Valentine's Day card is one of the meditations my character the "Princess-at-Large" undertook.

"Love makes cowards & heroes of us all."

Through that came the understanding that the heart was made to break. The heart's purpose is to break.

Some things got easier after that.

A 'meditation' is simply a motto. Or a prayer. An affirmation. Or a memory device.

I painted, printed, spoke, viewed, typed the words, added them to my email signature. I surrounded myself with them until I understood, then moved on to the next.

The next motto was this:

"It isn't done alone."

Thought about that for a few years.

It's the 'pill' I take to counteract isolation.

Put this entry under the 'Memory' category for a reason. I want to speak in depth to memory, and what I learned of its limits and imperfections. My own memory is able to wipe out both great unpleasantness and great joy. What's your memory like? How has the quality of your memory affected your recovery?

What remains can feel like a colorless gray.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

Testing Google Docs "Publish to Blog" Function

Well, cool. It works.

The formatting's a bit wanky, but to be expected.

We'll need some paperwork to make the project fly, and this is one element that will have to be crafted to meet our needs.

Copied this from Current.TV's release forms.

If you want to participate in the crafting / drafting of this (or anything else for that matter), just email me and I'll invite you. In the meantime, this document is publicly readable (tho not editable) HERE.

VIDEO / SUBMISSION RELEASE

“Producer” = Jan McLaughlin

By signature below, the undersigned signifies his or her agreement as follows:

For good and valuable consideration, including the possibility of publicity, the receipt and sufficiency of which is hereby acknowledged, I hereby irrevocably grant to Producer all services and appearances rendered by me, and all ideas and materials provided by me in connection with the development, production and/or exploitation of print, graphic, audio and/or visual or other content, projects, productions, and product campaigns and/or programs related to “The World's Longest Open Love Letter” (“The Documentary”). My services are a “work-for-hire” as that term is used in copyright law.

I hereby irrevocably give and grant to Producer all rights of every kind and character whatsoever in all media and languages now known or hereafter devised (including but not limited to, film, television, videocassettes, interactive devices and Internet and on-line systems) throughout the world, in perpetuity, in and to all work done, and all poses, acts, plays and appearances made by me, my voice and instrumental, name, likeness and photographs, either still or moving, for all commercial and non-commercial purposes (including, but not limited to, merchandising, advertising and promotion purposes). Without limiting the foregoing, I further irrevocably give and grant to the Producer the right to adapt, change, edit, modify, add to, delete, combine with other materials, record, reproduce, distribute and otherwise exploit the same by any means now known or hereafter devised. Producer and the Producer Parties may freely assign or transfer its rights hereunder, in whole or in part.

I hereby irrevocably agree that I will not assert nor maintain against the Producer, its licensees, successors or assigns, or any other their directors, officers, employees or representatives (“Producer Parties”), in any claim, action, suit or demand of any kind or nature, whatsoever, including, but not limited to, those grounded upon invasion of privacy or of publicity or any other rights (including, without limitation, intellectual property rights), defamation, libel or slander or for any other reason in connection with the exercise of the rights granted herein. I realize that Producer is relying upon this Release in using me in the making of the Project and, accordingly, I hereby irrevocably waive any and all rights to seek or obtain any injunctive or other equitable relief against any of the Producer Parties. I further acknowledge and agree that any breach by me of this Release will cause Producer Parties irreparable harm, and therefore, that each of the Producer Parties will be entitled to injunctive or equitable relief (without the need to post bond or surety or show harm) in addition to all other remedies available at law or in equity, in any court of competent jurisdiction. The releases hereunder are intended to apply to all claims not known or suspected to exist with the intent of waiving the effect of California Civil Code Section 1542 and other laws requiring the intent to release future unknown claims.

This Release will be governed by the laws of the State of New Jersey applicable to agreements executed and to be fully performed therein (without regard to the conflict of laws provisions thereof).

No compensation will be paid hereunder.

Name:
Address:
Phone Number:
Email:
Age and Date of Birth:
Worked on / Appears in Video (circle one)
Other Understandings:

I have read and agree to the Video / Submission Release.

Accepted and Agreed to by:

_____________________________________ Dated: _____________________________
Jan McLaughlin (Producer)

_____________________________________ Dated: _____________________________
(Person named above)

Elevator Pitch

Elevator Pitch: This documentary is PostSecret meets Andy Kauffman on the set of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest".

It didn't take a whole lot of research to determine that the focus of this unconventional documentary needs not be my own pet project of childhood sexual abuse, but rather a more widely-cast net toward violence as root cause.

How we survive violence is important information in an age that seems as violent now as ever.



Tags: Self-Help Art Depression

Doug Sends a Video Email

Click To Play

Delighted to introduce you to Doug. We've known of one anothers' work in video for a couple of years, and in that time have had more than a few deep conversations.

Now the conversation gets deeper.

The Harry Harlow clip that's mentioned may be found HERE.

Doug's is a moving statement on the nature of lovelessness.

Emotional abuse. Each time I name it, the thing has less power.

I admire and aspire to his comfort level with the subject matter.

Cruelty begets cruelty.

From what plant comes its seeds?

Rumor has it some of the social services folks have some ongoing cultural expeditions engaged. Look forward to getting the skinny on all of that. Very exciting and innovative thinking going on. Stay tuned.

Do you suppose a layperson could attend conferences on the subject at hand in order to conduct interviews?

My generation missed the benefits of such places and people. It does my heart good to know things change and grow; as have I.

[Quicktime | .m4v | Flash]

Tags: Self-Help Art Depression

Process :: a Film Making Model for This Project?

This is "Four-Eyed Monsters" and their approach to film making in the digital age.

I'm scared, but will not allow the fear to stop me.

NOTE: The last two Mission Statement videos (#1 / #2) were created using varying levels / styles of filmic anonymity. Trying to find a style that works. Color for sure. The crawl? What do you think?

Listening to them again, see that I'm hopefully giving just enough of my story for you to have faith in me, to establish a bit of street cred.

With the publication of these videos I publicly come out of the depression closet. Dang. This is big. Only came out to my family two years ago. It's all good.

Hi. My name is Jan and I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and associated depression. I am as successful as a human being as I am capable of being. I've made a life with depression for myself. A life that works.

I want to speak with others who have mastered the craft of living with - not despite - depression. How do YOU do it?

Tags: Self-Help Art Depression

Mission Statement :: The World's Longest Open Love Letter

If you're curious about what I'm up to, I've constructed a collection of posts that together constitute a Mission Statement HERE.

The current Mission Statement link will always be found as a 'Category' on the sidebar.

WORKFLOW: This 'documentary' - each frame another page of "The World's Longest Open Love Letter" - will be constructed piece-by-standalone-piece with a backwards time line dictated by the blog-form in which its public process lives. Read it last post first.

CONCEPT: I put 'documentary' in quotes because this project takes documentary-making into the digital age, using Web 3.0 digital tools for sharing, growing, healing, researching, community, communicating, and conversating. A grassroots-based documentary that grows up a beautiful flower and life-giving fruit or vegetable from the manure of violence.

SCOPE: Even though I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse - and its own kind of violence - there are tons of survivors of craploads of categories of abuse. I needn't name them all here. The common thread is this:

PREMISE: All survivors of violence have strategies for doing it - surviving - well.

Those strategies are what I'm most interested in talking about.

So that's where I propose to begin.

STATUS REPORT: As of today's date I've pre-interviewed four individuals. Those four point me to three more. Momentum gathers. Conception has happened, 1 has been iadded to 1 and that equals = 2 and those two subdivide, and subdivide again. The project has a life of its own.

CASTING IS EVERYTHING: Two men are survivors of s*xual and emotional violence. Three women are in grassroots social services, and one is the loving aunt of a 13-year-old girl m*lested by an officer of the law who sat faithfully through the trial and conviction of said officer. Brava.

We need some mental health professionals on board, too. Calling mental health professionals, yo. :)

So much courage.

So much collective wisdom.

Difficult as it is to say: I need you. We need each other.

We need to hear each other speak truths. Even the unspeakable truths.

We need to hear from state-of-the-art professionals the how, where and who of current work to dig this thing up from the root. The root includes looking at p*rps.

In the words of the amazing Ann Emmerling who's agreed to help where she's able:

"The Blackburn Center is a resource for understanding, but more than that, an instrument for the social transformation of patriarchy."

Ann Emmerling
Executive Director
Blackburn Center Against Domestic & Sexual Violence
P.O. Box 398

Greensburg, PA 15601
724-837-9540, x 115

Another Premise: survivors can influence future treatment modalities for the better.

To ask for help is as foreign to me as the idea of how radically quantum mechanics research may change our worldview in 5 years.

To live well is to win.


Tags: Self-Help Art Depression

A Kind of Introduction RE: a Documentary on Surviving

Click To Play

Sorry for laughing as I say the words. Humor can cover up a lot of discomfort, can't it? :)

First responses to the invitation to participate in the documentary about strategies for surviving childhood sexual abuse begin to come in. Actually the responses came right away. Getting to actually speak with folks takes a little longer.

Survivors often have big-time trust issues. It seems trust things stretch to both ends of the spectrum. Some, like me, trust too much at first blush. Others never seem to trust, not without a lot of time and work. Even then it's fragile. but always when it gets to the nitty gritty of adult human relationships, survivors require a great lot of patience as they grow to trust anybody enough to let them 'in'.

It's the fragility that often makes me shake my head with frustration.

Anyway, spoke at length by phone with Tom, creator of A Sanctuary website for survivors. He's given me permission to use his first name and link to the website, a safe place where folks may find a lot of basic information on what this phenomenon looks like whether you're a survivor, suspect abuse, or just love one.

He offered valuable feedback to the WLOLL project which I've taken to heart. It's my hope that in due course he and I will come to a place where we feel comfortable enough to record an audio and/or video interview.

I don't honestly know what this documentary will turn out to be. It depends on the people who step up to speak, and what is most important to them on the day we speak as they make their ways along their healing paths.

Farther into the video, I speak to my qualifications for doing this thing if you wonder how / why / whether it might be done.


Tags: Self-Help Art Depression

An Invitation to Participate :: Documentary on Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse

.:. Survivor .:.

POST NOTE:

WARNING - mention of p*rps in the video.

Even to type the words 'Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse' in the title makes my stomach and brain go all fuzzy.

To make a documentary on the subject is the best way I can think of to confront the anxiety and fear. The best way to give back to the community of survivors.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Formats available: Quicktime (.mov), MPEG-4 Video (.m4v), Flash Video (.flv)

Tags: documentary, childhood, sexual, abuse, invitation, participate